poppa needs a brand new bag

it's official: my father needs to get a job.

not in that no-good, deadbeat baby daddy kind of way, cause i'm damn near almost 28 years old.

my gray-haired, 59-year old father is retired, and has too much time on his hands. his days are spent playing golf and berating his family members. we love him to death, but every single day he goes off on tangents about something, whether it's how sorry president bush is or just because his golf digest didn't come that day.

this is how he spends his time, as he explains it. he wakes up around 5:30. puts the coffee on. takes a shower. watches a c-span call-in show (he never calls in but can rant about everything that's being said). harasses my mother before she goes off to work, usually about bills or whatever Bible passage he's found and wants to discuss. sits on the front porch with his two best friends: a labrador retriever and his bottomless cup of coffee. takes a nap. watches a combination of c-span, msnbc, or the golf channel. takes another nap. possibly cooks dinner. tells my mother how his day went when she comes home (although he didn't do much of anything).

that's a typical day with him, unless it's wednesday and then it's his standing golf game with other retirees like himself.

but other than that, his other hobbies are talking church gossip from his work as a deacon and dispensing long-winded stories or advice, which usually requires you to have to walk away from him to shut him up (and sometimes he'll keep talking). he's like bill cosby, in the way you simply ask him one question, and it does lead to the answer, but comes with another story of some relevance, sometimes not.

so as you can see, he needs to find a job. the quicker the better.

we love him, but our family can only tolerate so much.

emotional=dumb @ relationships?

it's been suggested that i'm not as smart when it comes to relationships.

and while that may appear to be true, it's not. i think it's more of a matter that until i find out otherwise, i try to take people at face value, when, in the game of love, that can be an automatic foul. because to me, it's better for you to tell me the truth than lead me on. if you don't want me, say so. it might hurt but at least i know not to fuck with you anymore.

take for example what happened last night. as i've previously mentioned in this blog, i have what i refer to as "friends." and i called one of my friends, who, for this blog will be christened jalisa, just to see what she was up to. when jalisa and i get together usually, it involves me coming to her house and us just chillin and enjoying each other's time.

when i call, jalisa's watching tv. we're having a good conversation, one that doesn't end in fighting or one of us hanging up. i even invite her to go walking with me in the morning, as we both could stand to lose a few pounds. it was all good.

while i'm the phone with jalisa, i have to take another call, from my best friend ant, whom i can never seem to catch up to lately. he's always working, so i make the effort to talk to him for a bit. i tell jalisa i'll call her back.

and i do. we continue our conversation smoothly. she even asks me to come by. at that point it's around 11, and it's assumed i'll spend the night like i always do.

then jalisa gets a call. "who is this?" she says as i guess she's looking at her caller id. i make nothing of it at that point, but then jalisa blurts out a frantic, "i gotta go!"

"what?" i say.

"i gotta go. i'll talk to you later," jalisa spits, and then hangs up.

so you know what i'm thinking: it's a female. it's that really quick "i gotta go" that means, "if i don't answer this call my girl's gonna get mad." cause you know females can't stand it when you don't pick up the phone.

and that's cool (okay, not really), but i just don't like the way she hung up on me. it's not anything that causes any tears to form, but it stings a little. jalisa is somebody i'm trying not to have a crush on (cause she ain't the one), and she just pushed me aside. and then i think, our walk in the morning is off because i don't feel like being bothered with her.

she doesn't call back that night.

so this morning i wake up, feeling all right. i figure i'll blog today, read a little, make some dinner--all in all, i won't hear from jalisa. lo and behold, she calls twice, the missed call log says, when i wasn't near my phone. when i call her back about 15 minutes later, jalisa asks, "what happened to you? i thought you were gonna call me so we could go walking?"

"i don't appreciate you hanging up on me last night," i say.

"i didn't hang up on you. i told you i had to go," she explains. "so that's why you didn't call me? you know what, whateva...," jalisa says, and then hangs up.

i feel good for a minute, cause i told her how i felt about what she did last night. but then i start to think, hmmm...

see this is what i mean by emotional=dumb @ relationships. to someone good at the game, i'm considered to be weak because i play my hand a little more than i should. i can't help it. i'm an emotional being, and a person who believes you should say what you mean, even though that's not in the playas handbook.

and it's not the fact that i'm not smart, because most the time, my instincts let me know when someone ain't right or when they're not the one. it's just that sometimes my heart's beating so fast i can't listen.

the best playas are those who are void of any emotion when it comes to relationships, and that's just not me. i can't go through life not feeling anything, and hate playing games.

it's just not me.

thoughts before thanksgiving dinner...

i'm just waiting until 3:00 when it's time for the turkey-day festivities. mmm, i'm can't wait for the juicy bird, corn pudding, macaroni & cheese...ok, focus.

i just thought i'd share some thoughts roaming through my mind. am i the only one who thinks...

star jones looks better fat?

oprah caters her show to white surbanites?

r. kelly has truly wasted his talent with trapped in the closet?

that he also needs to be shot for fucking that girl who clearly looks 14?

lalah ali is lying about being gay, even after sending out a press release?

it's wrong to cheat on your lover?

intelligence is sexy?

saying what you feel is necessary, and even releasing?

you should strive for better than where you are now?

gays should be married, with every rights as "breeders" (what i like to call straight folk)?

and on that note, that divorce, instead of gay marriage, should be banned?

bre should win america's next top model?

diddy needs to sit his tired ass down somewhere?

laffy taffy is the shit?

kelly tries to sound too much like beyonce?

it was fucked up that they had solange's baby on the destiny's child walmart commercial, but didn't have solange?

being bobby brown should come back, if for nothing else but comic relief?

whitney just needs rehab, a makeover, and a great song for her to have a comeback year?

mariah is working out her comeback like a five-dollar ho...she's riding it for all it's worth?

it's been a while since i've had some mind-blowing, back-blowing, curl-up-in-the-sheets-after-coming sex?

the black eyed peas are the death of hip-hop?

kirstie alley is a damn hypocrite for praising her big-girl figure in fat actress, then jumping on the jenny craig bandwagon?

britney spears is white trash who will be divorced by the end of 2006?

i'm tired of seeing jennifer anniston and paris hilton on the cover of every magazine?

judge mathis is the man?

paul wall has been hanging around too many black people?

black, all shades, is beautiful?

children are a lot more violent, promiscuous and crazy than we were growing up?

getting up at 4 a.m. just to get the best deals at walmart and best buy is insane?

my parents are getting old?

bush needs to get his ass out of office?

i'm tired of trifling people?

we need to make salaries that truly reflect our worth?

black people need another leader like martin luther king, jr.?

being gay is fabulous?

their high school experience was shitty, and college is the best time of your life?

queen latifah should be my wifey?

i'm about ready to eat?

hello, who dis: office etiquette 101

part of my duties at work is being the receptionist. even though our office has a rotating-phone system, i'm usually the first line of defense. which means i get all the crazy or annoying calls. it seems like since the popularity of cell phones, people's phone manners have gotten worse, not better. oh, the things i hear on a daily basis.

so this blog is really a helpful guide guised as a way for me to vent my frustrations on the phones. take it as you will...

tip 1 -- don't ask who it is you're speaking to...
i get this the most. people will call up, i give them the greeting, and they ask, "hi, who i am speaking with?" for some reason, this irks me to no end. i don't know you from adam, and you're asking my name. you called my office; who are you? what do you need to know my name for? i'm the receptionist. and half the time, he's asking a question i can't answer or it needs to be directed to another office.

tip 2 -- if the person you want to speak to is on another call, don't tie up my line holding for her...
this also irks me. a customer will call, and my boss is on another line. then he says, "well, can i hold for her?" no, the hell you can't. because when you're holding for her, i can't take calls on for that line. then my phones get backed up just because you want to wait for someone who may be 10 minutes or more. just leave the person a voicemail.

tip 3 -- don't give me your life story when you get me on the line...
ugh, the common thing i get is people who tell me the whole spiel about why they're calling, and 99% out the time, they have to talk to one of the other supervisors to get it resolved; then have to tell the story all over again. callers, keep it short and sweet. i don't want hear about your company's inception and what you do and why you need to talk to us. just who you want to talk to will be fine.

tip 4 -- if she's not in the office, i'm not gonna get her...
so this is where my boss has stepped out of the office, whether to a meeting or to the bathroom. so a customer will say, "well can you go get her?" hell no! i'm not running off to get someone who may need time to do no. 1. you can leave her a message.

tip 5 -- black people, please tell your children not to call all day long...(directed at co-workers)
like my mama used to say, don't be playing on my phone. i have a co-worker whose grown-ass children call her all day, and ask for her even when she doesn't answer her private line. clue: if she didn't answer her private line, she's away from her desk or working on an assignment. don't call me asking where she is or if i can find her. unless someone's dying or the house is on fire, there's no reason to call 10 times a day.

tip 6 -- don't bring your personal life on my phone...(directed at co-workers)
i have a co-worker in the cubicle next to mine who argues with her husband on a daily basis. not just petty arguments, but wicked cuss-outs where everyone can hear her. and when she feels like she doesn't want to talk with him, he calls me on my private line, asking me to put her on the phone. and she's like, i don't want to talk to him. oh, hell to the naw!!! don't get me involved in that bobby and whitney shit. take that mess to the house.

as you can tell, i love my job, and sometimes i do get comic relief from my customers. the ones who are funny and honest can win me over every time. it's just not enough of them.

rain down on me...

it's raining.

the rain is a comforting sound as it taps against my window. i hear the steady beat like a million little drums going off at once.

the rain always gets me to pondering. it reminds me of washing the world anew, cleansing life and making it whole again. as i sit and ponder on my life, i reminds me of changes i need to make for my well-being. between my career, my love life, and just me in general, i know that there has to be cleaning i need to do to get my house in order.

my job situation has become somewhat crucial. i've been working at the same place for five years, almost six. at this point, unless someone retires, there's no room for advancement. it's time for me to move on, but the motivation to actually begin the process escapes me a little. Lord knows i need a job that pays more and gives me fulfillment, but you know how it is when you're comfortable. i can do my job in my sleep, and i'm more than familiar with everyone there. almost like a family, complete with the all the eating and bickering we do. however, what i do is not exactly challenging...and it's not in my field either. so it's time to go.

one the love front, things are far from perfect. i'm still single, patiently waiting for the one, while still dealing with the others. i have "friends," as i like to refer to them, who fill my time, but that's about all. the one i deal with most often isn't whom i picture myself with in a long-term relationship, but she's nice to spend time with. to find the one, i just need to stop looking. things always happen when you least expect it. the problem is, in my city, the older lesbians are spoken for or hiding or just not people you'd want to date. so what's a single, mature 27-year-old lesbian to do when the only possibilities for love are in the club or so young you'd get arrested? stay true to me and hope that love will seek me out.

everything else is just getting my finances in order and getting ready for the holidays. thanksgiving is four days away, and that means spending the occasion with my daddy's side of the family, whom i like to dub: the shit starters. yeah, they're the side of the family, unlike my mother's, who like to drink, smoke and keep up mess. as with most black families, somebody (usually auntie) always gets drunk and talks a little more than she should. i'll have to do a complete blog about that.

as if on cue, the rain's died down; i guess that's my cue to let of these issues. evrything will seem fresher in the morning.

the piece of clothing that never comes off

i've long figured out that people are attracted to someone who's confident. not someone with delusions of grandeur, but someone who knows herself and isn't afraid to be that person, no matter what.

confidence is simply the difference between a beautiful girl with head-case insecurities and an ugly girl who carries herself like a queen. i happen to think i'm beautiful, both inside and out, and i'm not gonna let you think otherwise.

like i have this co-worker i'll call "tanya" who is thoughtful and gorgeous, but she doesn't consider herself attractive. tanya has a rocky marriage with a no-good husband, and that has chipped away at her self-esteem. she's a petite size 10, but feels she's overweight. she has thick, pretty hair, but thinks it's atrociously groomed with split ends. her body is banging (especially that booty), but she doesn't see herself as "fine."

one day tanya and i were having a conversation where she was complaining about her body. i told her i would kill to have her body, seeing as how the last time i wore a size 10, our current president's daddy was in office.

"girl, please," tanya countered. "i would rather have your body. you're big, but at least your body is toned; you're solid. you don't have this cellulite i have."

"toned where? i'm fat, honey," i argue.

"yeah, but you carry it well. and you don't have a problem with your size."

then tanya admits that marital discord and plain old neglect has battered her perception of herself. she says she's not as confident as she used to be. she's not beautiful; she's fat. and this is despite men telling her how good she looks. in her mind, she doesn't believe it.

that's not the view i have of myself. sure, i have those days, as everyone does, where i feel a little plain, a little ugly, but it's something that passes. i touch up my hair or put on some makeup or put on a cuter outfit the next day, and keep on stepping.

but confidence is the final accessory i add to my outfit, the one piece that i keep on--and never take off.

7 sides of brains nbooty

my first post...in an effort to introduce brains nbooty to the world, i've decided to do a little questionnaire i picked up from one of my friends. anything else one needs to know about me will come in future posts. enjoy!

7 things i plan to do before i die
visit every continent at least once. (okay, excluding antartica). i've made a promise to myself to visit a new location every year. when i start making the dollars that i deserve, my first foreign trip will be to europe. paris, here i come. je veux me coucher avec vous, la belle dame noire?
create my own magazine. my target audience would be black gay teens. they are the most underserved audience, and it would be good to have a publication out there with the message that it's okay to be who you are.
get my ph.d. that's most likely to happen in the next five years, before i get settled down with wifey and all.
open up a black gay community center in my hometown. black gays are so separated, and the gay community center here is not exactly "african-american friendly."
make at least $100,000 a year or more. right now, i ain't near it, but hope to soon be touching it. that's not the limit i'm putting on myself; it's just a starting point.
have or adopt a child. i would be a great mother because in some respects, i act like a big kid myself.
win the lottery. i can just picture it now. i already have a list of how i would spend my money...*sigh*

7 things i can do
cook. my friends try to clown me, but i bake a mean cheescake and put my foot in my lasagna made from scratch. don't hate.
give great advice. i'm known as the mama of my little posse, cause if you want some comfort and a good hug, you come to me.
write. the ability to express myself has been ingrained in me since i was 8-year-old sitting on the sidewalk creating poetry.
see both sides of a coin. just call me a mediator. i am able to both agree and disagree on a subject.
have fun by myself. i know some people who just cannot be alone. not me. i'll eat lunch alone in a restaurant (only lunch, not dinner) or just hang out in a bookstore alone. i don't care about being by myself. it's quite therapeutic, actually.
be a packrat. you ought to see my bedroom. books, old newspapers, love letters from 15 years ago...you name it, i have it.
kiss. mmm...the ultimate pleasure. i've been told i give great kisses...and hugs, by the way.

7 things i can't do.
watch a really scary movie. i just don't like the gory shit. it scares the bejesus out of me.
hurt people's feelings knowingly. yeah, i might hurt someone's feelings occasionally, but it's usually unintentional. i don't like being mean on purpose.
remember people's names sometimes. i've been places where someone will be like, "hey what's up, girl?" and i'm like, who the hell is that? i can recognize people's faces far before i know what their name is.
reach tall shelves in stores. i'm short. very short. not a midget or anything. but i'm a smidgeon over 5 feet.
resist buying a new book. now i've already told you i'm a packrat, especially with books. you don't want to know how many i have around my room...and i'm still buying them.
date white women. never say never, but they just don't float my boat.
understand homophobia. what in the world does my sexuality have to do with you? judge lest not you be judged.

7 things that attract me to the same sex.
intelligence.
a beautiful smile.
confidence.
knowing who you are.
ambition.
ample breasts.
a great sense of humor.

7 things i say most often.
"whateva." still my most often used phrase. just a polite way to say, "fuck you."
"kiss my ass." self-explanatory.
"are you serious?" said in a moment of shock or amazement in a high-pitched voice.
"blah, blah-blah, blah-blah-blah-blah." it has a cadence and means, "shut the hell up!"
"whatchu doing?" since i was 13, it's the first thing i usually say when i get you on the line.
"whatcha know good?" said just like an old grandma.
"let me think about it." usually said to let you know i don't want to do whatever you're asking.

celebrity crushes

mariah carey. call her crazy, but crazy can be sexy, too.


queen latifah. all hail the beautiful queen!


mo'nique. that's a big girl i'd put whipped cream on anytime.

jill marie jones (toni from girlfriends). big lips and all, i'd love to see her other ones.


nia long. brains nbooty's ultimate brains and booty girl.


meagan good. fresh and tenda.


tyra banks. a model who didn't sit back on her good looks and is making that paper.

7 people i want to pass this to
my friends and anyone else out there in cyberspace